The Diary Of A Teenager: Part 24 – The Three Mistakes Of My Life

Mistakes. They are the most beautiful thing the man has ever created. It’s my mistakes that have always helped me to grow, transform, love. Yet, like all others, it took me long to acknowledge what they did for me.

Man is stupid, who fears to make mistakes. I don’t understand why anyone would deprive oneself of a chance to learn. Of many such lessons learnt through my mistakes, one that I carved in my heart is: Deliberation spoils relations.

Relations are to be lived and not manufactured. You should be part of a relation; not the creator. The moment you try to be the creator, you end up disrespecting the indiscernible soul of that relation. And in my quest of being the closest to Aditi I committed this mistake; not once but thrice.

In life, some experiences, however bitter they may be, take us closer to a person. Sana should have been probably mad at me, or that’s how I thought it should have happened. But the next morning, she was different.

She came to me and talked to me like I was a very close friend of hers. She talked to me about her family, about what she thought about our classmates, and then, about Ankit.

Ankit was a brat from the other section who had been hitting on her from two years. An average built specy, filled with arrogance and vanity.

To be frank, he looked nothing more than a ‘mistake’ trying to act like a hero out of a B-grade movie. With at least, five sycophants running around him to lick the dirt out of his face, it was evident that it wasn’t his personality but the moolahs raked in by his parents that kept those ALs (ass lickers) around.

At such a time, when my relation was on a dicey ground, I was least interested in listening to what Sana wanted to say, but then I owed her an apology. I sometimes kept making an effort to listen to what she was saying, but was failed by the constant intervention of thoughts that kept pouring in. Thoughts about how I could ensure that when I leave the class, I leave with a belief that I haven’t lost Aditi.

A spider’s web is a perfect example of the situation where I was. The more I tried to free myself, escape; the more I got entangled in the web.

The Unit Tests were just a few days away, and I was spending more and more time with Sana. I knew that Aditi was a serious student; hence, it would be stupid to think that she would be attending all the classes till UT. After all, they were our first UTs in the new school.

For me they were actually UTs (Untimely Tests). Ten days later these obnoxious little weeds were going to separate me and Aditi, when I was in real need of a new physics law (or ‘one’ which I could invent) that could scientifically make everyday last at least 60 hours.

Time was running out. And since, I scored low (abysmal is the perfect word) on the style quotient, I decided to play a gamble with the resource I ‘thought’ I had in profusion –intellect.

After two days of long separation (I guess, which applied only to me) I squeezed time to sit with Kritika, Navjyot and Aditi. It felt like eternity when I saw her laugh at my lame jokes. There’s a strong relation between lame jokes and girls. They always tend to click with the girls who are friendly with you; but the same set of jokes, prove critically endangering when experimented with girls trying to repel you.

So in between those small chit-chats I teased Aditi by enquiring whether the ‘liking-percentage’ has increased or not. And very playfully to my bad-luck, she kept putting the topic off.

Finally, I decided to make the gamble. I challenged Aditi to out-score me in the coming UT and in return I promised not to prick the issue again. I was sure that I would score more than her. She was a silent lamb in the class; I was the one who shone in front of teachers. First she tried to disagree, boosting my self-belief, but quite reluctantly later agreed on the persuasion of Kritika.

Sitting on the dining table, I was lost in these thoughts, smiling at few occasions, when papa decided to take me out of my hypnotic world.

“Girish Bhaiya had called up today. Can you just go to his place on Sunday? He needs you there.”

‘Papa my UTs are just round the corner. How will I study?’

‘Oh jaise ki tu boht padta hai… tokri lejaani padti hai jab bhi tere results lene jati hu! (Like you study a lot… every time I go to get your results, I need to carry baskets) ’ mom joined the discussion.

‘Carry your books. It’s just for a day. Anyways, the apartment is holding a Jagrata. So you can study at Bhaiya’s place. You used to love staying with him. Is everything alright?’ dad sounded concerned.

“Arey, dad it’s just that I want to score high…”

“Oh, don’t take tension. You’ll just do fine! So he will pick you from school on Saturday.” Cutting me midway in my discourse, Mom completed the soft-toned command.

When mom makes such soft-toned commands, we all adhere to it strictly; because we all know that if we don’t the very next following sequence of things would be in this manner – anger, sobs, anger, sobs, again anger, more sobs and finally just sobs.

So in order to help her maintain her body-water-levels we always cut her at the first sob itself and give whatever she wants.

Sitting at the other side of a counter isn’t a pleasant experience, not when you are surrounded by beautiful ornaments shinning Gold. That tenses your muscles up, for you can never imagine when you might become a victim of Delhi’s criminal exercises.

It’s queer, because I don’t now whether I should actually thank God that no customers turned up that afternoon, or should I curse Him. After all, it was my brother’s shop; I would always like it to prosper.

So when you have nothing much to do in a shop, you have two options – gaze at the idiot box or call some idiot. I opted for the second option. I picked the receiver up and dialled Navjyot.

‘Fantastic! He’s busy with someone. Or maybe, it would be aunty.’ I murmured in disappointment.

After Navjyot, the only name that resonated in my mind and was tempting enough to be slyly given a call was Aditi. But then, calling her was sort of banned. She feared her dad, or at least, that is what me and Navjyot thought. The biggest fear for any guy is father of his girlfriend, and for girls, the biggest dragon is the mother of her boyfriend.

Nonetheless, I decided to give it a try. ‘If she picks up, I will talk to her, if she can. Otherwise, IF it’s her dad, then, I would simply say something and put the phone down. After all, he’s just a dad. How bad can a dad be? Right?’ I assured myself.

I picked the received and pushed her number. I must appreciate the Tata telecom department for their ‘class’ ‘You-are-in-queue’ recording, which wins hands down for using the most irritating voice;  of course, after BSNL’s. Every time you hear the recording you feel the itch to throw the phone as far as possible. Now, that’s what we call deep understanding of customer needs

After few minutes of constant dialling, the phone finally rang. Before I could just rehearse my lines, a male voice grunted from the other side, “hello.”

‘Hello,’ I squeaked. “Er… can I speak to… (I thought for a microsecond)… Ramesh Sharma?” I thanked wholeheartedly to whomsoever the name belonged to.

“Don’t you have eyes? Are you blind? Are your fingers alright?” spat came the reply from the other end.

For a moment I went into serious cogitation, how is a wrong number connected to anyone being blind? Or was he working for some NGO that worked for the disabled? But thankfully, her father saved my time and energy. “Can’t you see what number you are dialling, moron?”

“I am sorry, uncle”

“What sorry?” he seemed in no mood to stop this. He was breathing fire!

Since, her father didn’t know me, I had nothing to lose. “Arey… I said am sorry, what else do you expect anyone to say. If you have installed a telephone, you would get miscalls, messages and wrong numbers. You have problem with that… sue me… or better, sue Tata!” and I jammed the receiver down. It felt like I had just won a war, peace overpowered me.

To be continued

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The Diary Of A Teenager: Part 23 – I met Navjyot… the real one.

Aditi’s smile has always been an assurance to me. So when she said, ‘its ok’, I believed it. I had always believed what she said to me. Whatever, that be. But I knew that I had committed a blunder and I had to rectify it. I had to be clear and make others also clear what I felt for Sana.

That afternoon, Navjyot and I sat beside each other on the stairs, looking away at a group of kids playing football in the playground. After a silence that seemed to last almost forever, he said the words that made me proud of being his friend.

‘You know what Harshit, just because I’m your friend, doesn’t mean I’ll overlook your mistakes. But I can never leave you alone in turmoil; even if it meant that I should be a part of it. I would never remember what mistakes you have made, but how many of them you rectified.  If I’m partner to your crime, the least I expect of you is to understand the wrong and do what’s right.’

I felt his words, but couldn’t gather the courage to face him. Gazing at a yonder point I simply said, “Navjyot, I know I screwed it. I really feel bad about it…. I even talked to Aditi, but she said she’s fine with what she saw that day. Maybe, she is bit more open minded than both of us. Maybe, she actually didn’t feel anything.”

‘Dude, Aditi might not have acted that you have hurt her; maybe, because she hasn’t yet said ‘yes’ to your proposal and feels that she doesn’t have the right to object your sudden outburst of attraction to Sana. But what you are forgetting is that she is a friend – and a girl. She would not only feel betrayed that she had to see her prospective ‘boyfriend’ in such awkward situation, but she will also be hurt ‘coz you, ‘her friend’, never-ever told her anything about such an attraction… … The point is not what she or anyone, including me, think about you. The point is that you understand what you feel for Sana. Talk to yourself; no one better holds the right answer. But let me assure you mate, I’ll always be there for you, whatever your decision be.’

I had no words to reply. I have been overlooking and arguing my case unnecessarily. “You are right, what I did wasn’t expected of a friend. I’ll correct that mistake, today itself.”

Sana was sitting surrounded by her friends in the last few benches. For a second I looked around to see if Aditi was somewhere near. Thankfully, she wasn’t in the class. I went to the group of girls sitting with Sana. The giggles and gossips hit a sudden break as one of the girls saw me approaching towards them.

My forehead was sweating, and my voice a bit shaky. Looking at her I asked “can I talk to you for a second?”

“Ya, sure. We can talk here; any problems with that?”

‘Er… not here. Perhaps, auditorium will be fine. I’ll be waiting for ya.’ And I left the scene.

Sana had a very expressive face. Although it wasn’t something she did deliberately, but all the ‘wrong expressions’ always appeared on her face betraying her will at the wrong time. Unlike me, she hardly had any control on her facial expressions.

I was waiting at the first floor exit of the auditorium, which we fondly called ‘audi’. Sana came in after a few minutes of the recess bell. Her demeanour had typical traces of the Suraj Barjatya movies. Her head hung in embarrassment, her fingers twined with each other; her voice was definitely getting feeble as she got closer to the place I was standing.

After minutes of silence she finally spoke, “Why is that you have called me here? You wanted to say something?”

“Oh yes…er…I don’t know how to begin this…its sort of embarrassing… but…see may be you won’t like what I am going to ask you… many girls don’t… you know what I am saying..” she just kept her eyes on the ground.

I continued,  “…see …Sana you are a very great girl….and beautiful indeed…you would always have an image of your dream boy…but…though my friends say I should ask you this…but… … Why did you reject Bhuvan’s offer? He is a great guy.”

Her head sprung back and she looked at me with blended emotions of confusion, disgust, embarrassment and anger. ‘THIS is what you wanted to ask?… This? … …You could have asked the same in the class… when you came up to me…. why the audi?‘

“Well… I didn’t want others to know about this…and also, I didn’t know how you would react. “

“Harshit, you are impossible… … you are an ass… in fact, calling you an ass is an understatement… …huh” and she left the place stomping and grunting with anger.

As she vanished from my sight, I burst out into laughter that continued till I reached my class on the third floor. The classroom filled with laughter as the zodiac dragons came to know about the prank. Even Sana’s friends didn’t let her escape from their bit of teasing. All the while Navjyot gave me a smile and gestured me to meet him in the corridor.

‘I don’t think that was such a great idea, ‘he said.

“What do you mean? I asked. “I did that to know whether she had any feelings for me… I bet she was expecting me to propose her…… I guess she does have some weird sort of attraction hidden deep inside her heart……….. And yes…. …. she and the class now know that I don’t have any feelings for her. Otherwise, why would I play such a prank on her? Why would I ask her about Bhuvan? I think it was great plan!”

‘That isn’t what actually bothers me. What does is that why you even want to know what Sana feels for you,’ he said.

He took a pause, and continued, “this was never about her, it was always about you. What if, people think that you wanted to propose her but got cold feet in the last moment? What if Aditi learns of it? I know that she hasn’t yet given you the answer you seek from her. I don’t know whether she even has the answer. Neither do I know what her answer is, but definitely, you are giving her too many questions.’

I simply stood there listening to him, his words. They sounded different, very different. As if it was not the Navjyot I knew; the stupid, funny surd, who always, made a fool out of himself and ended up making me and Aditi roll on the floor laughing. He was silent, composed and pensive. And suddenly, it became clear to me why he was different.

In fact, that day I happened to meet the real Navjyot. One, who thought with maturity, spoke wisely, and was hurt. When in pain you speak from you heart, the sobs that run down your cheeks spring from your heart.

That day I realised that it wasn’t about me, Sana, or even Aditi. It was about my friend. He was the one who was hurt. Even more than Aditi; and I was busy trying to mend things with her. I realised that day, Navjyot wasn’t a stupid moron; I was.

All the while I was acting smart; I was actually being stupid… or rather in Sana’s words – an ass. I was no more bothered about what other might say or feel about the whole issue, not even Aditi. I didn’t care that my idea might backfire.

I had earned a true friend that day. One who warns you before you take a wrong step, helps you when you are about to fall, but never hinders your journey, because he understands that you need to take a step to start the journey. Even if you falter, he’s there beside you cheering, and encouraging you to take another step; guide you through to the end.

That day, I returned home smiling because that day my friend had grown up… or should I say… that day, I found a real friend.

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The Diary Of A Teenager: Part 22 – An Indelible Day

The worst part of being branded as a flirt is that your every actions seems to emit a dark cloud of charges and suspicion, even when your intentions are nowhere close to perimeter of flirting with someone.

It was a beautiful Wednesday morning, with light lusty winds blowing through the clouded sky. Sitting near the window seat of my school bus, I wished, if it would rain. If I could see Aditi slightly wet in her uniform, with her beautiful black hair wet from the downpour. By the time we reached the school gate the winds had certainly listened to me and it started to drizzle. It was really beautiful. The leaves of the trees around the school were dripping; the roads were carpeted with yellow petals of the kanikonna flower and pale old leaves that the winds had arranged as though it were to welcome her; for I could not imagine none other appropriate than her to be welcomed as such.

It has been a week since I have been having small-small constant tiffs with Sana. However, if you ask me we shared a love-hate relationship. May be, ‘hate’ is too extreme, but yes, ‘dislike’ won’t be a bad replacement. People often ask me what I felt for Sana, or what she felt for me. The only answer I have for them is that sometimes some relations are better if not named. No denial that she is a friend but sometimes there have been times when I felt that she was attracted to me; and most of the time she suspected that I felt for her.

Sana has always acted as ‘Princess Sana’; always filled with vanity. It irked me whenever I saw her getting too obsessed with herself. But I have to admit, she wasn’t the only girl in my school who had this annoying habit. As you go up the ladder of the ‘Best’ schools in New Delhi, you would find that around a good majority of the girls in the higher secondary level would be no different from Sana.

Sana was always a great friend to play prank on. I loved to tease her. As I had already mentioned earlier, the school was filled with rumours that ‘me and Sana are going around; or at least we both secretly wanted it to happen.’ Neither me, nor she, was happy about this. My friends always told me that they had seen those vibes from her whenever she was talking to me. They used to say that Sana never accepted defeats in front of anyone, except me. I always brushed it off calling it mere coincidence.

I had a classmate called Bhuvan. He was the one who introduced me to the basics of voyeurism; in fact, for many of us in the class he was the one who first narrated the story of an adult film. He, if the rumours are to be believed, had proposed Sana in 8^th grade; but Sana refused the ‘offer’. I wonder why people call it an offer. The word ‘offer’ somehow I feel gives this beautiful feeling a corporate connotation. Anyways moving on…

Bhuvan even had once asked me if I really had any feelings for Sana. The relation (I always thought it to be) between Aditi and me was something that people thought was unidirectional. People thought I was stalking her, and she was just being sweet to me, just ‘coz she didn’t want to lose a friend. I told him that I wasn’t attracted to Sana.

It had been a week since I had last seen Aditi. She was on a leave. And since it was a strict no-no to call her when she is at home, until she had given the permission…I had no other option, but to wait for a communication from her side.

I and Navjyot were waiting in the empty class for all the others to arrive. It was when it happened.

Sana entered the class with her dripping, slightly curly hair. As she passed by us, her fragrance filled my nostrils. I looked at Navjyot, he gave me a big oh-my- god-she’s-hot kind of look. She was really in a very good mood that day, perhaps the effect of the romantic weather. As she passed me, I stretched my hand to her and asked her for a dance. I didn’t realise why I did that, but somewhere, I wanted to do that.

There’s this very befuddling comfort level we share that though, we (me and Sana), both hate to admit existed from a very long time. Sana didn’t refuse; she moved closer to me. It was different, unplanned. I never wanted Sana to be the girl I first hold in my arms. It has always been that special one I always dreamed about.

Navjyot slowly got up from his place and closed the door, but didn’t lock it to avoid any sort of suspicion.  May be, he would not have been willingly agreeing to my actions; but he always had stood beside me, even when he could have easily avoided being a part of.

I tried to get my hands on her hips, my heart started to pound at a faster pace. Something in me said it wasn’t the right thing to do. On the other hand, it was like a love-story moment, I wanted to hold her. I was confused, seeing my slightly pale face and trembling hands, Sana mocked, “You are nervous like a girl!”

Her mocking was sort of an encouragement for me, breaking away the tug of war. I placed my hands on her hips and softly held her right hand with my left. She didn’t show any sort of discomfort that I had predicted, and placed her hands on my shoulder.  I had danced with girls in parties, with hardly any romance brimming in your heart, it was always plain fun. But this was different; I don’t know whether it was romance, love, lust or whatever, but yes I wanted to move but my legs were glued to the damn floor.

I took a deep breath and held her a bit more tightly and as I was about to move, the door opened with a thud. The voice made us jolt and we moved away with awkward expressions. But when I looked at the door, to my horror, the awkwardness was about to turn into embarrassment and repent. Aditi stood at the door with a confused look on her face.

I dashed towards Aditi who had left the class after putting her bag on the front bench. I saw her walking towards the railings of the floor and I walked to her and said, “It isn’t what you think. We were just trying to dance; I was teaching her a few steps. “

She just gave me a plain smiling look and said, ‘It’s ok.’

I don’t know whether what I was doing with Sana that day was really with any genuine feeling, apart from momentary attraction, and neither do I know that whether Aditi had really not taken the matter to her heart. Intentions, or no intentions, but in the absence of Aditi I shouldn’t have given up to my momentary vices.

That day I realised one thing, if my friends (including Aditi) had branded me as a flirt they weren’t wrong.

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The Diary Of A Teenager: Part 21 – Angles In Disguise

This is the 21st part of my blog series -The Diary Of Teenager. If you haven’t read the previous parts then go ahead they are all here….

In case, you wish to receive notification about the new posts/parts in the series just send in a mail to ssupreeth@live.com. A reply will be assured.

_________________Angles In Disguise________________________

Being a novice to such kinds of pleasures, my pulse was already running in the nineties. My voyeuristic pleasure got a heavy jolt when my computer started flashing a message.

“You are requested to close down this adult website” – by Administrator.

I felt small, unmannered. My throat went dry. I coughed a few times and closed the application. The cafe owner was of my dad’s age; it was as if my dad had caught me red-handed. The embarrassment forced me quit the place in hurry. Albeit, it was later that I was informed that the computer was installed with internet nanny!

The best part of commuting through the school bus is the fact that you reach the school even before the classes have been opened for the day. I was alone in the class and this normally would incite a mischievous side of mine. Aditi had a fixed seat; second last seat in the first row. I took a piece of chalk and wrote on her bench: Did you get my mail? And smiled in excitement when she gave me a nod of ‘yes’ after she read it.

People tell me that I had turned a bit shy those days, especially in her company. Not that I made circles with my feet when she was around, but there was a conspicuous smile that trumpeted my feelings about her.  I still don’t know whether that was true or not; may be the theory that love can never be hidden holds true in my case. The only problem was that I just didn’t know then that whether it was mere a crush, infatuation, attraction or love.

Navjyot and I had cut off from the rest of the group. I don’t know may be this didn’t go well with my friends like Sana. The fights between us were more frequent and harsher, seldom ending with her watery eyes. The topics were silly and our statements sillier. But I didn’t care about that. It was as if my world encircled Aditi. I wanted to spend my whole day sitting behind her. I loved looking at her long streaks of black hair. I loathed those days when I had to sit in front of her or in the adjacent row.

In my life friends have always showed me the celestial signals; signs that always helped me find my way. That day, our English teacher delegated me and Aditi to prepare some charts for an upcoming literary event.  It was games period (sports period) and the class was relatively empty. By the end of April, sports’ ground normally seemed like a barren, parched piece of land, habituated only by the sports crazy dudes and love birds.

I didn’t want to move her from her comfort zone so, I shifted to her row. I never had been so shy around girls. But Aditi was different; I couldn’t even sit with her on the same bench! (There are two reasons for this – one was definitely the height issue and the second was the awkward shyness). So I persuaded Navjyot and Kritika to give us company.

The things most close to your eyes are always blurred. In my zest to build up my love life, I never noticed that though Navjyot had said that he feels for Kritika, he never even once talked to her on this issue.  I had been cracking silly jokes with her and all Navjyot as doing was smile and talk occasionally.

It had been nearly forty minutes of my wonderful time. The zodiac dragons (our boy’s gang which encompassed of 12 horribly naughty guys, including me and Navjyot) had a while back entered the class and obviously how could they have not teased me!

They started off with some very cheesy Bollywood numbers like Hum tum ek kamre main band ho … and followed it with a list that made me blush with embarrassment. As I had done the same to many of them when they were caught snuggling with their chicks, the best I could do was to smile and blush. And I would have kept smiling, till they stopped, ‘if’ I wouldn’t have seen Aditi wiping a tear off her cheek.

“That’s it. What’s the problem with you guys? It’s fine if you want to tease someone….but there’s a limit to everything. If you can’t get the girl you desire (I paused because even I hadn’t got my girl, yet)…you are mere jack asses… you can’t just keep on…doing your shitty business even when the situation is getting worse….Manners….Respect a lady!”

I was breathing heavily, my eyes were bloodshot with anger and my hands were trembling. I don’t know whether it was due to sudden outburst of anger or the fear that each of the 10 dragons was at least twice my size.  I turned around to see Aditi, hoping that she might have stopped crying. Navjyot was standing behind me with his hands on my shoulder.

I took the charts from her and moved to a different row with Navjyot, mumbling a shooting a few occasional curses at the dragons. Suddenly the dragons surrounded me and they hushed scores of ‘sorry’ to me. I wasn’t satisfied, because it was never about how I felt. It was always how bad she felt; how hurt she was.

“I don’t have any issues with you guys. I never felt bad… but what about her? She is the one who got hurt by your actions…so apologise to her, and not me. I have no right to forgive you guys. “I fumed.

I had never ever considered the dragons to be very close friends of me. My list never went past the names of a few which obviously included Navjyot. But that day when I made them feel that I was disappointed by them, they did something which, perhaps, I would have never done for them. They went to Aditi and apologised one by one. At first, she responded with a customary “I’m fine”.  But they never stopped and kept on saying sorry again and again, with their frequency of voices getting louder with each sorry, till they saw her smile.

As they saw Aditi’s face brightening with a feeble smile, they turned to me and said in chorus, “See, she forgave us…buddy we made your girl smile!”

And that’s when I really felt that no matter how unimportant ‘friends’ they were for me, they were angels in disguise. Not only did they made her smile, but they also called her ‘my girl’; something that lit up my face as well.

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The Diary Of A Teenager: Part 20- Vices Of Blossoming Youth

Hi…This is the 20th part of my blog series The Diary Of A  Teenager. If you havent read the previous parts …go ahead…they are all here.

In case, you wish to receive notification about the new posts/parts in the series just send in a mail to ssupreeth@live.com. A reply will be assured.

________________ Vices Of Blossomng Youth ___________________

In our life when we encounter something that we never expected to happen, we often try to rewind and replay the moment in loop to preview it from a third man perspective. The words in the small slip of paper were straight forward and simple, yet, I still wanted to re-read it. My sense had slowly started to betray me. It felt as if the world was playing an embarrassing joke with me.

“Your answer….is 50-50.” The words kept recoiling through my mind. The only word that helped me to stabilize the adrenalin rush was ‘50-50’. I kept telling myself, ‘she hasn’t said yes yet. Though, she hasn’t declined the possibility as well.’

I wanted to share my moment of joy with my best friend, my buddy Navjyot. But somehow, every time I picked up the receiver, I simply couldn’t dial his number. Something in me told me that I had done something wrong; my heart called me a betrayer.

In the bright period of teenage, the first crush is often the most serious one. One for which you may try to do whatever that’s in your reach, and also what’s not; just to please your crush. Aditi seemed to hail from affluent family. She had all the traits of an upper middleclass business family girl. I had a pre-loaded list of these ‘traits’- long height, good looks, fluent accented English and the most important one, crave for English movies.

Certainly, now thinking about the list I pretty well know it was not only stupid, but highly kiddish!

As you migrate over to a school much elevated than your previous one, over the time, you tend to develop an inferiority complex. May be that’s why, even before I could assess and ascertain her feelings for me, I had started to make a list of things on which we I thought we were not compatible; or in other words, I was inferior to her.

Computer was one such thing. Though, internet had invaded India in the early 1996, even after 4 years, I still had no idea about how to send an email. But Aditi, she was fully trained. She even had an email id! Since, calling her was a strict no-no for all her male friends, the only mode of communication left was internet and personal meetings. But as vacations were hovering over my possible first love chances, I had to be computer (internet) literate in those fifteen days only.

But even if I would have succeeded in my attempt to be net savvy, I had to first lay my hands on her email address. It was a tricky business to ask it directly from her, so I gave her my slam book, hoping that she wouldn’t utilize the space for email address to showcase her humor sense. Thankfully she didn’t. So my next immediate mission was to attain my primary objective, to be tech savvy.

Science speaks the universal language. Sperms never ask for directions and that is why only one in millions sent on the mission to fertilize, actually succeed. Perhaps that is why even men/ boys try their best not to ask for directions or help, even amidst deep shit. And since, I too was no different it took me three hours and eight attempts to learn how to email. But then, I didn’t learn only that. At first I kept forgetting my email id and password. Then, I kept confusing between whether to place www before the address or not. And what this cc and bcc meant. If it wasn’t for the good Samaritan- internet café owner, I wouldn’t have taken me at least a couple of more attempts.

Though it took me some time learning the art of surfing, once I was through with the initial glitches, I adapted quickly to the new found mode of entertainment. Internet is known for two things; one is infotainment and other is pornography.

Ask any grown up what he/she learns first in a new language. The answer every time is swearwords. And ask any teenager what the first ten sites they surfed in the initial days of web browsing, there are always a couple of porn sites.

There is a very strange psychological problem attached with these types of pornographic pleasures. The first time you are into it, you are filled with anxiety, fear, disgust and disbelief. It makes you so uncomfortable in the environment that you start feeling that everyone around you seems to be looking at you with suspicious eyes.

I still remember the first time I surfed a very well known BABA site. At first it took me a brief moment to assure myself that it was normal ‘to have a look’. After all, I was paying 25 bucks for an hour. But then, a silly feeling, like I was doing something wrong, crept back in. My hands started to tremble, I started sweating. I peeped over my screen, the owner of the café was outside, and two children opposite my system were busy in some sort of game. Finally, I managed to type www.****baba .com, and pressed enter.

As the page header loaded with some very graphic images, forcing me to gasp my breath in an “uggh…what-the-hell-is-she-doing?” feeling, the tension in my mind kept on growing. The internet connection was pretty slow, or may be I was feeling so disgustingly excited that I felt the connection was slow. Anyways, voices started echoing through my mind- what a shame Harshit…what a shame- but my youthful desire and the silly alibi of resource utilization (fully utilize the leftover time from my three hours surfing card) overpowered me.

Suddenly the voice in head was replaced with some very strange painful moans of a woman. That is when I came back to my senses, thankfully, only I could hear the voice as it emanated from the headphones I had put on a while back. Finally the page was fully loaded and I was shocked to see a message that blinked hard on my screen….

To be continued….

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The Diary Of A Teenager: Part 19 – The Statistical Love

This is the 19th part of my blog series The Diary Of A Teenager. If you havent read the previous parts…then go ahead…they are all here!

_____________ The Statistical Love________________
The vacations were just a fortnight away and I was still frozen at the same place were I had started. May 2nd was the day when I, finally, freed myself from the entanglements of love dilemma. It had been exactly 21 days since we (Aditi, me and Navjyot) had become friends. Remembering dates isn’t the exclusive right of the female class. That’s the only alibi- no matter how absurd it may seem- I have to present in my defence. May be guys do turn a bit feminine when they fall head over heals over someone.

When the day started I had almost left the hope of a second round of proposing. I left it on the mercy of destiny. I thought, let the destiny decide whether I should do this or not. That day, I was me. Plain: devoid of style; an average school goer.

Love is like a black-hole; attracts you the most when you approach it. And as you are gravitated to its core, you just know you are being engulfed into something you have never witnessed before. Something so full of darkness to blind you, yet, you immerse in its pleasure.

Destiny runs away from those who run behind them and strikes like a lightning when you least expect it to. I had almost made up my mind to drop the idea of proposing Aditi. After all, we would have made a weird couple. I would have been a disgraceful partner. My words would have taken days to reach her ears. I was standing at the corridor when it happened. I was wont to linger around in the corridor observing people, and that’s when I overheard a joker from other section gesturing at Aditi, telling his friends that he likes her.

Suddenly my pulse started to race. Questions started making rapid exist-entries my mind. What if he proposes and she accepts? What would I do, how will I react if suddenly she would start spending more time with someone else? What if someone would become closer to her than me? The only solution to calm down was to tell her about my feelings, as soon as possible.

Born cowards always boast of their adventures; just like I did. But as they approach the finish line they drop dead a few inches away. I finally convinced Kritika to tell Aditi that I wanted to talk to her about my feelings and she indeed did her job as expected. It went off much smoother than expected.

I was sitting opposite Aditi in an empty classroom and devoid of any romance and grace I said, “Aditi I like you….a lot…and I know…you wouldn’t have thought about me in that way…and therefore, I think….I shouldn’t wait for your reply…and I am in no haste…take your time. I am sorry… are you mad at me…you haven’t spoken a word since we…”

‘How can I? You seem to have rehearsed my replies as well,’ she said with a smile. ‘As you said I haven’t given it a thought yet and need time. I hope you understand that. Lets be friends till then. Is that fine?’ she continued.
“Perfect with me; but just one thing….will you seriously give it a thought?” She just nodded in affirmation.

I couldn’t believe what had just happened. The odds of hearing a yes was almost nil in my mind. I was short, skeletonic and a perceived flirt. Not that she was the school hottie or anything, but she was indeed the girl I had dreamt about all my life. That is may be why her answer, be it a rejection, or serendipitous acceptance, was important for me.

That night I couldn’t sleep. I kept on replaying the happenings in loop. My heart beats occasionally raced, halted and then raced whenever a part of my optimistic self overpowered my pragmatic side. “What if she really liked me? Well, signs do favour this odd as well, otherwise, why did she smiled when I told her about it? Shalee smiled, she liked me; now Aditi smiled, may be she has some undetermined feelings for me.” I thought. I wanted to hear her answer, pretty damn quick.

I was desperate to know her reply. But a man sticks to his words. She had asked for time, so I did give her time…till next morning! The world’s fast today and decisions have to be taken quickly; and 24 hours isn’t such a small period to assess pros-n-cons of a decision. After all 24 hours means 1440 minutes, 86400 seconds!

Next day I went over to her seat. Kritika understood the signal, and swiftly disappeared from the scene to leave both of us alone. After a small starting trouble I quickly moved to the topic: her answer.

“See, I know you might need more time. But try to understand, I need the answer to soothe my heartbeat, its racing at hell speed.” I was acting childish I know, but I couldn’t help it. May be as they say, a man in love is a child trapped in a mature body. “At least I need a hint, a hope….”

As my maths sir used to say stats and maths govern the universe. At that time I didn’t know I had imbibed that quote deep inside my mind. At least not to this extent, and that I will use it as a love measuring meter. “Okay just tell me in percentage.”

‘Oh c’mon you must be kidding! ….. You aren’t? You’re serious? God! How stupid can you more get?’ her face was filled with disgust, surprise, and I am pretty sure her brain had been busy answering many questions. I could guess one of them: Is he stupid, or just plainly anxious?

After a minute or so I came back to my senses and walked off back to my seat. Navjyot looked at me and said, ‘didn’t work out, huh?’ My relation with Navjyot had grown so deep that we didn’t need words, expressions were just fine. Perhaps, that was for good, after all, there were many thank you, apologies, gratitude filled words and secrets that we wanted to, but just couldn’t share verbally.

Class resumed but I just couldn’t concentrate. I felt small, stupid, devastated; I had been the most childish lover in the world. I wished if the world would end that day. Unfortunately the god had more in store for me.

As I sprinted out of the school gate to evade another meeting with Aditi, accompanying Navjyot to his cab, Kritika came dashing towards us and slipped me a small slip of paper quite deftly as she shook my hands. I sensed that she didn’t want Navjyot to see it. But if I could share my feelings with Navjyot about having a crush on his girl, he had all the rights in the world to see what was written in that slip of paper.

My hands started to tremble as I opened that crushed and wet slip of paper. My iris took its time to adjust to the small scribbled letters.

I can’t make out whether you are stupid or whether I am more than you but ……Your answer: 51-50……. I hope you understand!

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The Diary Of A Teenager: Part 18 – On Your Marks, Get Set, Doom!

Hi! This is the 18th part of the series – The Diary Of A Teenager…If you haven’t read the previous parts…go ahead they are all here.

_______On Your Marks, Get Set, Doom!________

Mother: a rare species of human who might act deaf to your loudest tantrums but notices every bit of inconspicuous changes in your life. For years I didn’t understood this definition. Not until the day I was about to embark on my first serious relation.

I woke up at five that morning, took a morning shower, that too in cold water; and was ready by six. Too conspicuous to breach my mothers eagle eyes! As I sat for my breakfast at the dining table, she asked me in a teasing tone of hers, “you are having a date today?”

‘Damn, I am busted,’ I thought. But like any other Indian middle-class lad I replied with a big NO …with a sustaining ‘O’. “Then why do you smell like my deo?”
‘Oh………… can’t I use it. I……I just tried it…that’s it…nothing special about it,’ I stammered throughout my reply. This tête-à-tête with mom cracked open the little remaining self-confidence that was left in me. ‘Man…how could I? Why didn’t I notice that it was mom’s deo I had put on?’ I kept cursing myself on the way to school.

My first attempt at proposing a girl wasn’t very successful one, and in that nobody cared about the success or failure of my relation. I didn’t had to prove anyone anything there. But here, there was a big monkey on my shoulder. My credibility, my conferred status of being a ‘love guru’, was on stake.

I couldn’t muster courage to go to Aditi and reveal that the mystery man was me (though, I had cast myself in for that role only some weeks back). I sat at my desk and just waived at her, which was very unusual from other days. Navjyot had taken the seat beside me; I was too lost in myself to even notice him.
“Are you going to propose someone?” he asked.
‘Yeah…huh? No…why?’
“So is it your birthday?”
‘NO…Navjyot just cut it out…tell me what’s the problem yaar?’
“You smell like a deo store. And it smells like a feminine one. Where did you get that?”
It was an ugly day for me. The fragrance hadn’t faded even in an hour or so. Damn these lasting deo’s.
‘Shit! Do I? … … … help me out mate.’ I almost pleaded.
“Well. The only thing that can counter this fragrance is… SWEAT. Let’s go to the ground and play soccer for a while.”
‘Are you sure? I don’t think that I should do that. And I am not in the team. They won’t allow me to play.’
“Hey don’t worry about that. I am in the team and besides, the selections are going on.”
‘Fine, then lets go.’

I was a lousy soccer player in my locality. The school playfield was full of boys of all sizes- tall and well built, tall and slim, tall and athletic; and I looked like a toddler among them, small in length as well as, in breadth. Coach wasn’t amused seeing me there, but he couldn’t deny me a chance; for everyone deserved a chance, even a bozo like me.

“Line up guys,” he shouted. Since Navjyot was already in the team, he was standing with his team mates. “Those who are here for the selections will take three rounds of this ground- non-stop. And hear this clearly- NO SHORTCUTS.”

I was panting like a dog by the end of third round, which reminded me about the day in my ex-school when we boys had to cover the whole ground squat-walking. Following the sprint, the coach made two teams out of the wannabe-players and made us play a 30 minute game.

By the end of it…I was smelly like a horse! In the vigour of playing, I forgot the real reason which had compelled me to be on the ground. I went over to Navjyot and stood with him as I tried to catch my breath.

“Now you smell terrible! Ough! Why do you over do things?” he said.
‘What am I gonna do now? I thought I would propose Aditi today.’
“Oh ….” He thought for a second. “I will be right back.”
‘Hey… Navjyot…where are you going?’ I said.

He ran over to Eshank and returned back with a deodorant. Fortunately, this time it was a men’s deo. Eshank was one of the coolest hunks of our school. He had style, charisma, Karizma (the hero Honda bike!), had many girls drooling behind him and was my classmate as well. But he couldn’t steal the girls who drooled behind me, for the simple reason that there were none!

In the whole first half of the day I couldn’t talk to Aditi, which was funny because till I got to know about my attraction towards her, talking to her was a piece of cake. Perhaps, that was the biggest change hindering me from confessing my feelings for her. Finally, I went to Kritika and told her about my feelings for Aditi. She stood there listening to me with I-knew-it expressions on her face.

Love isn’t everyone’s game. Even someone who had been conferred an epithet of being the ‘guru’ of Loveology, could face a tough time dealing with his own proposals. If you ask any girl what are the three most romantic things according to them, then, their answers would be: romantic songs, romantic dates, and poetry!

Of the list, the only thing I was sure I could do was – singing. But unfortunately, within the couple of week’s friendship I had almost exhausted my whole available list. Romantic dates weren’t possible because of lack of courage and strict home-reaching deadlines!

The last one, i.e. poetry – I had never tried my hand on this one. So the best solution in such times is….plagiarism. Lately, I had become a huge fan of Backstreet Boyz (mainly because she used to love English music). I lifted the lyrics of their famous number ‘As Long As You Love Me,’ as I understood it. I tore a piece of paper and wrote the lines:

“All the loneliness has always been a friend of mine,
I am leaving my life in you hands,
People say I am crazy in your love and blind
Listing it all in a claim,
How you got to plan this
Is a mystery I can’t get you out of my head.”

The bad news is- the lyrics though were hardly correct, she recognised the song. And she hated the wrong lyrics I wrote. So….she put it where it exactly belonged to…..TRASH.

By the end of the day, the synopsis of the day was my first real attempt went terribly wrong. The day was a disaster. The only thing that could be seen with a shade of optimism was – I was chosen for the team!

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The Diary Of A Teenager; Part 7- Proposing A Girl- Phase 1

This is the seventh part of my blog series The Diary Of A Teenager… if you havent read the previous parts…go ahead they are all here!! The Diary Of Teenager Part 1

________________Proposing A Girl- Phase 1________

Well, how difficult could proposing a girl be?? You can just walk up to the girl, and just tell her. Ha, it’s very simple. I kept rehearsing and chalking out strategies to approach her. I didn’t want to end up with the same fate of Sumit. Man! It would have been one hell of an embarrassing moment for Sumit. Shalee (the girl, I had to propose) wasn’t a hottie but she had a charm of her own.

 

To be frank guys, I didn’t know why I took up the challenge, it seemed almost impossible. Well, probably if I didn’t knew that she hit Sumit, it would have been much easier task. Anyways I had to do it; I had to think of a plan. And finally I struck with one!

 

There’s a saying that two mountains can unite; but two women can’t! Generally it is said that a girl only confides in another girl; but the best friendships are most often established between the opposite sexes. So that means the perfect combination of this would work fine with every girl. I know I made a bit confusing, so I will explain this theory to you.

 

If you cross a man’s body and a female’s behaviour is what I am taking about. These are those boys (I hope they are, at least biologically!) who are most often seen with and around girls; but not as boyfriends but as simple friends. Their feminine behaviours make them the perfect agony aunts. Luckily, we had such a guy (or girl) in our class- Neeraj. Though, he was not as extreme as I just explained; he just loved to gossip, bitch and most girlie behaviour….to extract secrets! I knew I could use him to my benefits; and I have no regrets in saying, that I did use this weakness of his.

 

I divide my plans into different phases. Phase 1- rumours:

It was fairly simple; I went to the canteen to find Neeraj sitting alone, probably he had ordered coffee or something. I sat beside him. “So, how is the day going?” I asked. 

‘Fine, how come you are here in canteen sitting with me? Where are your friends?’

“Well, they were busy playing football and I sort of have a cramp in my legs”

Till now it was easy, but I really had no idea about how to continue this and take it to the topic I wanted it to. Just then I saw Sumit scoring a goal. Yes, got it.

“You heard, Shalee slapped Sumit?” I asked.

‘Yes I did. I even saw it. It was a wonderful sight to see him get slapped. You know, not many girls like him, In fact, it won’t be wrong if I say some girls even hate him.’

“Huh? And what about me? I mean does she…” I staged a pre-planned pause, just to make it look authentic!

‘Who? Shalee? Why do you want to know?’ he asked with a smirk. ‘You…..have a crush on her? Come on tell me!’

“Nothing like that…..see, I have to go…..please don’t tell her anything…..after all there isn’t anything to tell. Ok?” I ran out of the canteen. Phase-1 complete!

 

It didn’t even take two periods before I could hear hushing voices from the girl’s rows. Since, it was a small school; their thinking was also a bit conservative sorts. Boys and girls never sat together. We had two separate rows assigned to boys and girls. I knew my plan was going smooth. I just had to launch the next phase.

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