This is the 19th part of my blog series The Diary Of A Teenager. If you havent read the previous parts…then go ahead…they are all here!
_____________ The Statistical Love________________
The vacations were just a fortnight away and I was still frozen at the same place were I had started. May 2nd was the day when I, finally, freed myself from the entanglements of love dilemma. It had been exactly 21 days since we (Aditi, me and Navjyot) had become friends. Remembering dates isn’t the exclusive right of the female class. That’s the only alibi- no matter how absurd it may seem- I have to present in my defence. May be guys do turn a bit feminine when they fall head over heals over someone.
When the day started I had almost left the hope of a second round of proposing. I left it on the mercy of destiny. I thought, let the destiny decide whether I should do this or not. That day, I was me. Plain: devoid of style; an average school goer.
Love is like a black-hole; attracts you the most when you approach it. And as you are gravitated to its core, you just know you are being engulfed into something you have never witnessed before. Something so full of darkness to blind you, yet, you immerse in its pleasure.
Destiny runs away from those who run behind them and strikes like a lightning when you least expect it to. I had almost made up my mind to drop the idea of proposing Aditi. After all, we would have made a weird couple. I would have been a disgraceful partner. My words would have taken days to reach her ears. I was standing at the corridor when it happened. I was wont to linger around in the corridor observing people, and that’s when I overheard a joker from other section gesturing at Aditi, telling his friends that he likes her.
Suddenly my pulse started to race. Questions started making rapid exist-entries my mind. What if he proposes and she accepts? What would I do, how will I react if suddenly she would start spending more time with someone else? What if someone would become closer to her than me? The only solution to calm down was to tell her about my feelings, as soon as possible.
Born cowards always boast of their adventures; just like I did. But as they approach the finish line they drop dead a few inches away. I finally convinced Kritika to tell Aditi that I wanted to talk to her about my feelings and she indeed did her job as expected. It went off much smoother than expected.
I was sitting opposite Aditi in an empty classroom and devoid of any romance and grace I said, “Aditi I like you….a lot…and I know…you wouldn’t have thought about me in that way…and therefore, I think….I shouldn’t wait for your reply…and I am in no haste…take your time. I am sorry… are you mad at me…you haven’t spoken a word since we…”
‘How can I? You seem to have rehearsed my replies as well,’ she said with a smile. ‘As you said I haven’t given it a thought yet and need time. I hope you understand that. Lets be friends till then. Is that fine?’ she continued.
“Perfect with me; but just one thing….will you seriously give it a thought?” She just nodded in affirmation.
I couldn’t believe what had just happened. The odds of hearing a yes was almost nil in my mind. I was short, skeletonic and a perceived flirt. Not that she was the school hottie or anything, but she was indeed the girl I had dreamt about all my life. That is may be why her answer, be it a rejection, or serendipitous acceptance, was important for me.
That night I couldn’t sleep. I kept on replaying the happenings in loop. My heart beats occasionally raced, halted and then raced whenever a part of my optimistic self overpowered my pragmatic side. “What if she really liked me? Well, signs do favour this odd as well, otherwise, why did she smiled when I told her about it? Shalee smiled, she liked me; now Aditi smiled, may be she has some undetermined feelings for me.” I thought. I wanted to hear her answer, pretty damn quick.
I was desperate to know her reply. But a man sticks to his words. She had asked for time, so I did give her time…till next morning! The world’s fast today and decisions have to be taken quickly; and 24 hours isn’t such a small period to assess pros-n-cons of a decision. After all 24 hours means 1440 minutes, 86400 seconds!
Next day I went over to her seat. Kritika understood the signal, and swiftly disappeared from the scene to leave both of us alone. After a small starting trouble I quickly moved to the topic: her answer.
“See, I know you might need more time. But try to understand, I need the answer to soothe my heartbeat, its racing at hell speed.” I was acting childish I know, but I couldn’t help it. May be as they say, a man in love is a child trapped in a mature body. “At least I need a hint, a hope….”
As my maths sir used to say stats and maths govern the universe. At that time I didn’t know I had imbibed that quote deep inside my mind. At least not to this extent, and that I will use it as a love measuring meter. “Okay just tell me in percentage.”
‘Oh c’mon you must be kidding! ….. You aren’t? You’re serious? God! How stupid can you more get?’ her face was filled with disgust, surprise, and I am pretty sure her brain had been busy answering many questions. I could guess one of them: Is he stupid, or just plainly anxious?
After a minute or so I came back to my senses and walked off back to my seat. Navjyot looked at me and said, ‘didn’t work out, huh?’ My relation with Navjyot had grown so deep that we didn’t need words, expressions were just fine. Perhaps, that was for good, after all, there were many thank you, apologies, gratitude filled words and secrets that we wanted to, but just couldn’t share verbally.
Class resumed but I just couldn’t concentrate. I felt small, stupid, devastated; I had been the most childish lover in the world. I wished if the world would end that day. Unfortunately the god had more in store for me.
As I sprinted out of the school gate to evade another meeting with Aditi, accompanying Navjyot to his cab, Kritika came dashing towards us and slipped me a small slip of paper quite deftly as she shook my hands. I sensed that she didn’t want Navjyot to see it. But if I could share my feelings with Navjyot about having a crush on his girl, he had all the rights in the world to see what was written in that slip of paper.
My hands started to tremble as I opened that crushed and wet slip of paper. My iris took its time to adjust to the small scribbled letters.
I can’t make out whether you are stupid or whether I am more than you but ……Your answer: 51-50……. I hope you understand!
